indigo

XM's station "The Coffee House" plays a lot of Indigo Girls. I mean, A LOT... it seems like I hear them once every forty minutes or less. I'm not complaining. I love them. I miss them. Every time I hear them I feel a kick to the gut. They remind me of a more idyllic time in my life when the horizon was more limitless than it is now. Now, that same horizon looks more like the finish line. Ah youth...

Morbid.

I know, in theory, that I should be more upbeat. I have a pretty good life. I mean, I'm no where near "well off" but I'm no where near destitute either. I have plenty to be grateful for and happy about. I am grateful. I am happy about it. Maybe I'm just not one of those celebritory people, the ones that see life as a big party. I see those people and I admit I feel pretty jealous. They are all about the "count your blessings" or "celebrate something every day." They never complain. I mean, like, never. To complain or sound slightly negative would be admitting weakness and no way, no how are they going to do that. That would screw with their mojo, they would loose an edge, slip...

How do they do that? What's the secret? Surround yourself with other like-minded bubble wrapped people who wear those expensive rose colored glasses that breath in rainbows and shit gold? I mean, wow. Jealous.

Me? I'm not emo like I was in high school. I wish I could say I'm not angry anymore because I have to admit I have flare ups. I read just enough news to get really pissed off at least once a day. How do I celebrate feeling helpless when I see suffering? How do I count my blessings when I see so much bigotry? Don't even let me get started on how frustrating religion and mysogny make me every day. Every. Damn. Day.

Sometimes I think I would never have gotten here if I hadn't had daughters. If I was just trying to take care of me in this crazy world maybe I could have been fearless enough to bounce around in my own little bubble without a care in the world for anyone or anything. Now I've screwed myself by taking on this thing called "motherhood." Now I'm tied to the earth, grounded. Now I find I'm fighting more for different things, things that are of consequence, things that matter and for a very good reason: love.

Someday I hope to find nirvana... right now I'd settle for eventual contentness. Until then I will fight the good fight.