no apologies

I think I may step this up a bit and actually just write. Use the space. Millions of other people have no problem letting go of the fear of exposure... vulnerability. Here I open myself up just enough. I am thinking of not keeping a secret journal anymore. Those things are misunderstood. Secret things are automatically considered sinister... at the very least naughty. I admit I've been to both frequently enough but I won't write about it in secret anymore. I want to be a sort of open book. I don't want to fear exposure. I don't care if I even make much sense. The fact is my fingers are moving. The words are forming and flowing through. An exercise in letting go. When I really start going I almost feel like I'm flying. A tingle happens between my shoulder blades and it almost feels as if something wants to sprout there. Wings. Freedom. I won't apologize for being who I am anymore. As I get older I find I care less and less of what other people think of me. I don't have a need to impress like I used to. I don't need to belong to a group. I have my own. It has found me. If I am comfortable and proud of who I am they will come and if they find comfort then they can stay. I will no longer allow myself to be food for the vampires who need too much. I give and am open. I am also honest. I no longer have the time to play games. I really hate games. I've wasted too much youth on games. I want reality. That's what's sexy. That's what turns me on. Truth. Being here now and just being in the moment. Feeling it. That does not mean I'm too serious. I like fun as much as the next girl but I want to laugh with my whole being. Joy. Such a simple word for something so big. So I'm not opposed to fun. Playing. Having little girls has showed me how important play is. A sense of humor. I learned that working in hospitals, too. Life is so short. Forgetting so long. Neruda. I've lost touch with poetry. It won't happen again. I found Anias Nin again and I was happy. I forgot the girl in me that used to spend hours just reading Nin... the beginnings of understanding my darker side as a young girl. It used to be so important. Now... I think it's just I've found a comfort in it. A balance. I'm accepting who I've become and who I am becoming. I don't want to waste anymore. Waste pollutes. I want to be clean. Well... as clean as a typical sinner can be anyway. It's not a purity thing. It's a clear thing. A clear conscience. The act of being responsible. Accountable. And be proud of it. Be able to hold my head up. No apologies.